Working day, Every day

Being a stay at home mum (SAHM) is no laughing matter.

I have to work everyday. There's no off days. Except when my parents come relive of my duties a few hours, once a week usually. Or when we put Kae at my in-laws' for a few hours. Even on weekends, I have to work, when my dar goes off for his golf games. Or on weekday nights, when he sometimes meet up with his friends or have work dinner and drinks.

I may sound like I am complaining. Okay, I am not exactly not complaining. Just that sometimes it helps to vent my frustrations by writing. I still do not know if I am cut out to be a SAHM. I get impatient with Kae sometimes, but I am trying to curb this feeling by taking a deep breath and telling myself that Kae is still young and she doesn't know any better. I tell myself that I am very very lucky to have a happy and healthy girl. But she does get on my nerves at times.

Another con is that I am not financially independent. Well, I am not working mah! So I do not have the freedom of buying what I want as and when, the big ticket items usually. Don't get me wrong, I get an allowance from my dar of course. But it's not my money I am spending. I do not have any bonuses at the end of the year. I do not get any increment every year. I have to watch what I spend more diligently. Not that I earn loads much from my previous job. Hah! I guess at the end of the day, I just feel like a leech, just keep sucking money off him.

Also, I have no more me time. Yes, my parents do come alternate weekdays and alternate sundays to help. But what I miss about having my own time is going off any time I want, to wherever I want, and till whenever I want.

Blah blah blah, just find a job lah! Once I go to work, I won't have all these misgivings. Easier said than done. The job market is not good now. Moreover, my last job was 3 years ago. And it was in a stat board. And I actually did try to scout for jobs just before we decided to get pregnant. Man, I don't wanna reveal how many resumes I did send out, but the percentage of call up was really seriously pathetic. I don't know. Maybe it's because I don't have much market value. Hah. Which means I have NO market value NOW.

Also, I want to bring up Kae myself for now. Yes yes, I know I complain a lot about how difficult and taxing it is, but I just can't bring myself to let others take care of her. Putting her in a child care for 10-12 hours a day just breaks my heart. Will she feel abandoned by her parents? My mum is working, and I don't think it's a good idea to ask her to quit her job to take care of Kae. How then to decide what her "monthly compensation" should be? Also, conflicts will arise due to our differences in opinion about caring for Kae. Ditto with the in-laws. Plus I've seen how Kae's cousins have been brought up, and there are certain areas which I don't see eye to eye with them on. So it's just me in the end.

Sometimes I do envy those who make the decision to leave their babies with their parents. They go to work without worrying, and come home to the babies after work. After dinner, they will leave the babies to sleep at their parents' and go back to their own homes and have a good night's sleep every night, until the weekends, when they bring their babies back to their own homes. They do not need to deal with the babies' late night crying, their constant wailing. They still have their me time on weekdays. Which means they can still meet up with their friends whichever day they want, as their babies are taken care of.

But then again, they will miss their babies' 1st step, 1st smile, 1st laugh, 1st word, 1st walk, 1st crawl, 1st hug, 1st kiss, etc.

Seriously, it may seem easy being a SAHM to some, especially to the working mums and working dads. But believe me, the constant whining and attention seeking kids can make you feel like jumping off your building more than once a day.

That is why I really admire those working mums who still take care of their own babies, be it full time job they engage in or part time work they do from home. They have to juggle their time to giving their best at work and then their full attention to their babies when they are back from the childcare centres or after the few grilling hours of work from home. I dunno if I am able to do that.

At the end of the day, I just have to be comfortable with my decision and be content with what I have. I am in the midst of trying to achieve that. Which is why I am putting off the 2nd baby, if any, for as long as possible.

All being said, there is no better thing than being hugged and kissed by your baby, looking at her growing up happy and healthy, achieving new "skills" everyday, looking at her sleeping oh so peacefully everyday. The list goes on.